After struggling for 10 months I lost my mother to triple negative breast cancer and I felt like I had taken a sever blow to my already depressed emotions. I couldn't imagine my life without her and the fact that my boys who was 5 and 1 at the time would never have the awesome experience of having their Nana in their lives. I know she is gone to a better place where she no longer has cancer and is looking down on us with happiness and love, I can't help but still feel selfish for wanting her here.
|Mom and C (2006)|
All I could think about was mom ( I am struggling not to cry at this point) and how I wish I could call her on the phone and tell her that she was going to be a Nana again. I was longing to hear the happiness in her voice and then it hit me. My mom was my coach during the birth of my first two boys as she was there to comfort me, rub my back, wipe my face down with a wash cloth, and when it came time to deliver I had my husband on the right and my mom on the left. Well this time I will have my husband on the right and a empty space on my left. I am trying to prepare myself for the delivery of this baby without her, but I just can't imagine it.
My husband and I kept my pregnancy to ourselves for 12 weeks before we actually announced it. I had only told one person and he told his boss up to that time frame. I was so scared that something was going to happen to this baby because it took us so long to get pregnant and I was still dealing with losing my mom 7 months earlier. I couldn't imagine what I would do if something did happen because I actually feel like I would go into a full melt down.
|Mom, C, and A (2010)|
When the news finally broke I was surprised at everyone's reactions because they were so positive and upbeat because I was waiting on the "Oh so soon" comments to begin and the "Three is going to be SO expensive" attitudes. A lot of people were actually excited and telling me how they hope I finally have a girl and that my mom would be so proud of me. You know they are right she would be over the moon right now and calling me everyday to ask how I am doing.
Every night I pray to the good Lord above asking me for strength as I journey into this without her. I even find myself taking to her telling her about how I am feeling and how much I miss and her and the fact I know she will be in the delivery room with me even if it is in spirit.
So, I now officially announce to the world baby Hopkins is due 12-21-2012 and we find out if were having boy #3 or our first girl on August 6th! I am so excited and can't wait!