Friday, December 16, 2011
Why me? A story about third infertility
Whenever I had the feeling it was time to have a baby back in 2005 it seemed liked overnight I was finding out I was pregnant. I knew no sooner as I saw those two lines on the dollar store pregnancy test that I was having a boy. Call it mothers intuition. I remember just like yesterday going into the ultrasound room with my mom and Jason and hearing my mom say under her breath "girl, girl, girl" while Jason was routing for a boy. When the ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know the gender I told her I already knew it was a boy. She just looked at me and told me I was right it was a boy and all I remember was Jason looking at my mom and saying "yes" really loud. When mom mentioned Canaan for a boys name there was no other name that would do, I fell in love with it. For his middle name I always loved Blaine, so Canaan Blaine was born. Whenever Canaan was 3 I started having baby fever. I had the Mirena taken out, but Jason wasn't ready at the time. I struggled for about six months with the feelings hoping he would come around. When he decided he was ready it wasn't until a year later. It took us three months to get pregnant. I just knew I was having a girl and I wouldn't even think about having a boy. Whenever Jason and I went to the ultrasound and she told me I was having another boy I started to cry. I was crushed, mad, and didn't say a word. I called my mom crying on the phone telling her it was a boy and she was excited as the thought of having another grandson because all babies are a gift from God. It took me until I was seven months pregnant to name him as I was still in denial. I blame the hormones! I had a dream that changed how I felt. I dreamed that I was walking and found a baby a baby that nobody wanted. I took him home and bathed him, fed him, and rocked him to sleep. I think it was Gods way of telling me that Asher belonged to me. After the dream I started to feel different and I love that boy more than anything in this world. When Gage was 3 months old I started having a feeling that I was missing something. I was not complete even though I had a healthy 4 year old and a beautiful newborn. I told Jason my feeling and this time he agreed that our family was missing something and decided that we should try for a girl. I talked to my mom who told me to go for it. Six long months came and went and I just could not take the heartbreak anymore and told Jason that maybe he needs to be tested since the doctor told me there was nothing that he could do on my part. We got the results back and one of his pituitary glands were not making enough hormones and that if he could not get me pregnant in six months that he may just not be able to anymore. I was devastated thinking that it was all my fault at the way I acted when I found out Asher was a boy and that maybe I was being punished. This December has we hit our one year mark and I still have not become pregnant. I have watch my best friend and two cousins have babies and even though I don't let on all I want to do is cry. I guess the reason for me typing this is because I have been feeling down in the dumps and a little depressed. Jason feels like it's all his fault. I even went to the doctor asking if there was anything wrong with me so we could fix it. His recommendation was even though I still need to loose some weight was to take a multi vitamin every morning for when I do. One thing I never thought would happen was infertility. I hope God hears my prayers and next year would be my year because as the doctor said "it only takes one"
at 7:45 PM